druidspell: Pete Wentz's dog Hemingway as a puppy. (Hemmy)
[personal profile] druidspell
The rules are simple:
1 - List 20 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2 - Don't say who they are.
3 - Please do not assume that anything is about you.
4 - If you are not 110% convinced... it's probably not you.


1. I've never been very tactful, and even though I try not to be, I can be astonishingly insensitive. But I did learn things like "diplomacy" and "humility"--maybe you should give those a try every once in a while, because they get much better results than what you're doing now.

2. With the rest of the world at their best and you at your worst, I'd still choose you every single time.

3. I do understand how it's hard to shove it to the back of your mind when it happens, but all the same, there's really only so much time you can spend contemplating your hurt and anger and bitterness when your world crashes down around your ears. And there's only so much time I can stand to spend listening to it. If you find yourself needing again to confide deep, dark, personal secrets to someone again? Please don't choose me. I'm just not comfortable with that level of sharing, especially given the amount of time we've been acquainted. I don't consider you a friend--not that you're an enemy, but we aren't close.

4. I waste more time with you than I do with anyone or anything else. I'm sure there are people who would blame you, but I'm not one of them. Hopefully it's all going to turn out for the best.

5. If she'd done to me what she did to you, you wouldn't let me call her "friend" any longer; why in the name of everything sacred do you still call her your friend? Also, shutting me out is not the best way to avoid my passive-aggressive punishments, just fyi.

6. When will I stop missing you? When will I be able to go from one day to the next and not believe that you were pivotal in everything? When will I be able to look back on my memories of us together and smile that they happened, and not cry that they're over? When can I stop loving you so desperately, and how did you stop loving me?

7. Be careful of the allies you court; you have a way of making decisions and not thinking too much about the potential fallout if the outcome doesn't favor you. You accused me once of thinking everything through too much, and letting life slip by me. There might be some truth to that, but you don't think enough, and you don't pick your battles as carefully as you should.

8. I used to worry that I didn't know you anymore. I'm glad you haven't changed in the ways that matter. You're a person of integrity, and I respect you more for it now than ever (and I always respected you for it a lot). That's not to say you can't be a brat who makes judgments on a dime, but you're at least honest with yourself and others, and I still love you anyway.

9. If I had a chance to do it over, I don't think I'd do it the same as I did back then, but if nothing else we learned from our mistakes, and came out better for it, if a little bruised and broken.

10. Being a bitch is a much maligned quality; I'll never malign you for it, even if you have turned it against me and mine a few times. Sometimes it takes a healthy dose of bitchiness just to come off the battlefield intact, and if anyone ever says that life isn't a battle, I think we'd both laugh and laugh and laugh, because we know better. I value you. I value your bitchiness, and your kindness, and your humor, and your intelligence.

11. I would love you the way you need to be loved, if only you would tell me how.

12. The fact that your father went to a Catholic seminary does not make the Church culpable for his sins. I think you'd be a lot happier if you could move past some of your hatred, but I understand that at this point maybe you're more comfortable in your misery; I know that there are times when I'm almost afraid of remission, because at least I know my depression.

13. I am entirely sure that I'd love to spend weeks just talking with you again.

14. I wish you all the luck in the world attaining your MRS degree, but I wish you'd spend a little more time concerned about how you're going to obtain your GS award.

15. You can have forgiveness without forgetfulness. Just because I still remember doesn't mean I hold it against you, you know.

16. I wish you were here; at least when you were in Lexington I could soothe some of the touch-hunger that's turned into touch-starvation since you've left.

17. I find it hard to believe how parents can still like you when you're such a giant sleazeball. Seriously, I'm fucking baffled.

18. Seriously, it's not you, it's me. I just really don't have the emotional spoons to deal with you, because I feel like you need so much more than I'm capable of giving.

19. Sometimes I just want to pull my hair in frustration with you and scream "Get a fucking grip already!" Then I remember that I'm not always the easiest person to listen to, either, and turn you into pleasant white noise until I feel like hearing the same thing over again.

20. I never realized how much I needed you in my life until you were gone from it. I think that if I'd understood then what I understand now, I'd have been better. I love you. I hope you still love me. I'm sorry if I was ever a disappointment to you.
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druidspell: Me, bowling at a family reunion, with my username inset in the bottom right corner. The blurriness is intentional. (Default)
druidspell

July 2014

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