20 Things to 20 People, take 2
Wednesday, 16 January 2008 23:34![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
druidspellThe last time I did this was in April of the dead-and-not-lamented past year. I figure it's about time to do it again.
The rules are simple:
1 - List 20 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2 - Don't say who they are.
3 - Please do not assume that anything is about you.
4 - If you are not 110% convinced... it's probably not you.
1. You're a judgmental asshole. I think that it's ridiculous the way that you shower attention and affection on some of your family members, and withhold it from the rest. I don't understand how or why you divide your affection like that, and I don't know if you care how much it hurts the people around you. But it hurts me, to see how you treat some of your family like they aren't--and never will be--enough, and the rest of them as if they hung the moon and stars.
2. I wish that I could help you understand; that there wasn't this barrier preventing us actually having the kind of relationship where I could tell you things. I'm afraid of the things I'd have to say, and I don't want to ruin what we have now, which is the most functional relationship we've ever had. I wish I was more communicative; I wish you didn't feel left out; I wish I could be the person you want me to be.
3. Wow. Passive-aggressive much? I mean, I know where you learned it, but shit oh dear is it annoying. I love you to death, but Christ on a crutch is this shit getting old.
4. How you ended up being the best of us, I'll never question; you aren't as awful as you seem to think you are, and I'm proud of you, and I appreciate you.
5. (Okay, there's not a lot that I won't tell you. Um. Let me think. ...) I once got myself off in the back of your car without anyone else the wiser. (There. It doesn't quite fulfill the rules, because I don't want to tell you, but it's as close as I could make it. Seriously. There's not a lot I won't tell you.)
6. I don't know what disturbs me more, honestly: the fact that I know what kind of porn you like, or the fact that I've watched some of the same porn, and therefore know where some of our tastes overlap.
7. I'm sorry that I haven't been fair to you a lot in the last couple of years, that I fall down on my end of things way more than you deserve. I appreciate that you still like me, but I keep wondering when that'll stop.
8. If somebody hurts you, I'm going to have them killed. You're going to have to get used to this; I'm not kidding in the least when I say that I want to know where they live.
9. I'm so jealous of you it hurts sometimes. Hopefully you'll never know this.
10. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. Come back, come home, be who I remember. Be happy. I love you.
11. Honestly, I think the time apart was good for us. I don’t think either of us would have liked who we were when we weren’t talking, and our friendship is stronger for having come back to one another.
12. When I made my resolution for 2008, I was thinking of you. But seriously. Not even Gil, are we clear?
13. I’m trying to do better, but in the spirits of honesty, fairness, and friendship, I have to warn you that I probably won’t. And I probably won’t say I’m sorry, either, because I can’t promise not to do it again.
14. The fact that we’re both attracted to intelligent people says good things about our respective tastes, not our chances at having a functional, healthy relationship. We’re the classic “better off as friends, not lovers.” Much as I love you, I just don’t love you that way.
15. You’re pigheaded, stubborn, and let’s face it, sometimes you’re petty and immature. I still love you, you’re still my family, nothing’s changing that.
16. I’d tell you that the two of you are just too alike for your own good, but for one thing, you already know that, and for another, I’ve already told you. So I’ll stick with this: I still love you, even if I’m awful about showing it or saying it. I still think you’re right about the whole situation, and I’ll never turn my back on you.
17. I shouldn’t play favorites, but you are best-beloved of all. I would happily spend the rest of my life in your company; I can’t wait to see you again.
18. I think that you could try a lot harder to keep jobs, even as I recognize that that’s a really judgmental thought for me to have; I know as well as anyone how bad depression can be, and that functioning at all is sometimes more than you can manage, let alone functioning well.
19. Where have you been? Why did you leave?
20. The thought that I’ll judge everyone I love by you is more terrifying than I ever could have imagined. They say that you never get over your first love, but I’m really ready for that to be proven false. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to be left carrying the burden of this, when you’ve plainly moved on. I want to be able to put aside the hurts you dealt me, and put the gifts you gave me back into perspective. I just want to be able to accept that you stopped loving and needing me before I stopped loving and needing you, and move on with my life. I want this not to hurt so bad, so long after the fact.
The rules are simple:
1 - List 20 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2 - Don't say who they are.
3 - Please do not assume that anything is about you.
4 - If you are not 110% convinced... it's probably not you.
1. You're a judgmental asshole. I think that it's ridiculous the way that you shower attention and affection on some of your family members, and withhold it from the rest. I don't understand how or why you divide your affection like that, and I don't know if you care how much it hurts the people around you. But it hurts me, to see how you treat some of your family like they aren't--and never will be--enough, and the rest of them as if they hung the moon and stars.
2. I wish that I could help you understand; that there wasn't this barrier preventing us actually having the kind of relationship where I could tell you things. I'm afraid of the things I'd have to say, and I don't want to ruin what we have now, which is the most functional relationship we've ever had. I wish I was more communicative; I wish you didn't feel left out; I wish I could be the person you want me to be.
3. Wow. Passive-aggressive much? I mean, I know where you learned it, but shit oh dear is it annoying. I love you to death, but Christ on a crutch is this shit getting old.
4. How you ended up being the best of us, I'll never question; you aren't as awful as you seem to think you are, and I'm proud of you, and I appreciate you.
5. (Okay, there's not a lot that I won't tell you. Um. Let me think. ...) I once got myself off in the back of your car without anyone else the wiser. (There. It doesn't quite fulfill the rules, because I don't want to tell you, but it's as close as I could make it. Seriously. There's not a lot I won't tell you.)
6. I don't know what disturbs me more, honestly: the fact that I know what kind of porn you like, or the fact that I've watched some of the same porn, and therefore know where some of our tastes overlap.
7. I'm sorry that I haven't been fair to you a lot in the last couple of years, that I fall down on my end of things way more than you deserve. I appreciate that you still like me, but I keep wondering when that'll stop.
8. If somebody hurts you, I'm going to have them killed. You're going to have to get used to this; I'm not kidding in the least when I say that I want to know where they live.
9. I'm so jealous of you it hurts sometimes. Hopefully you'll never know this.
10. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. Come back, come home, be who I remember. Be happy. I love you.
11. Honestly, I think the time apart was good for us. I don’t think either of us would have liked who we were when we weren’t talking, and our friendship is stronger for having come back to one another.
12. When I made my resolution for 2008, I was thinking of you. But seriously. Not even Gil, are we clear?
13. I’m trying to do better, but in the spirits of honesty, fairness, and friendship, I have to warn you that I probably won’t. And I probably won’t say I’m sorry, either, because I can’t promise not to do it again.
14. The fact that we’re both attracted to intelligent people says good things about our respective tastes, not our chances at having a functional, healthy relationship. We’re the classic “better off as friends, not lovers.” Much as I love you, I just don’t love you that way.
15. You’re pigheaded, stubborn, and let’s face it, sometimes you’re petty and immature. I still love you, you’re still my family, nothing’s changing that.
16. I’d tell you that the two of you are just too alike for your own good, but for one thing, you already know that, and for another, I’ve already told you. So I’ll stick with this: I still love you, even if I’m awful about showing it or saying it. I still think you’re right about the whole situation, and I’ll never turn my back on you.
17. I shouldn’t play favorites, but you are best-beloved of all. I would happily spend the rest of my life in your company; I can’t wait to see you again.
18. I think that you could try a lot harder to keep jobs, even as I recognize that that’s a really judgmental thought for me to have; I know as well as anyone how bad depression can be, and that functioning at all is sometimes more than you can manage, let alone functioning well.
19. Where have you been? Why did you leave?
20. The thought that I’ll judge everyone I love by you is more terrifying than I ever could have imagined. They say that you never get over your first love, but I’m really ready for that to be proven false. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to be left carrying the burden of this, when you’ve plainly moved on. I want to be able to put aside the hurts you dealt me, and put the gifts you gave me back into perspective. I just want to be able to accept that you stopped loving and needing me before I stopped loving and needing you, and move on with my life. I want this not to hurt so bad, so long after the fact.
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